Thoughts on Disciplining the Kids

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

A few days back a few pre-teens in our neighborhoood decided to prank a few houses by ringing their doorbell and running away. This was discussed at length in the society’s WhatsApp group and that drew my attention. The kids were reprimanded and talked to by their parents but one of the ladies in the social media group commented that it was not enough, that the kids needed to be further disciplined and I realized by disciplined she meant punished. I started to wonder… Do most of us associate discipline with punishment? To me and my Mommy friends – this is NOT what disciplining a kid is all about.

Let's first establish what does discipline mean and what do we want to achieve when we talk about disciplining our kids. Discipline means teaching our kids what behavior is acceptable and what isn't, teaching them right from wrong, helping them develop self-control and taking responsibility for their actions. Discipline is teaching your younger ones life skills and preparing them to be adults on day. It's aims are to make them ready for the world as good human beings. It is not just about punishing them if they do wrong or not what you want. Teaching your kids how to behave, how to act in certain situations, distinguishing good from bad and how to exercise self-control – that’s the goal of discipline. Kids are like wet clay and we can mold them the way we want. I believe this is so marvelous that we get to carve the behavior of our young ones.

I know it’s a challenging job to teach a little person about the accepted norms or how to behave. It is our job as parents - as mothers and fathers - to inculcate skills in our children. Teachers, friends, and caregivers are all there to help but the foremost duty lies with the parents. Now the most daunting question HOW? Well, let's first talk about what we all want - we want a kid who knows how to behave in society and has self-control. As I always say kids are like little monkeys who are going to ape you. Now tell me mommy dears how disciplined are You? Do you yell when things don’t go the way you want them to be? Do you exercise self-control? If we are going to resort to yelling and shouting we are conveying to our kids that it's alright to do the same. Teaching begins at home. Right? First, we need to set an example for our kids to follow. I am not asking you to be perfect, I know I am far from being close to that, but rather simply asking you to set a good example and be a good role model for your kids to follow.

Discipling starts at a very early age when your kid is just 8-9 months old and is enjoying pulling your hair just to get a reaction out of you. You can't do much then but yes looking into the baby’s eyes and moving your head saying a firm no, in a soft but you mean business voice - that is enough at that point in time. With time, your kids will start associating no with not acceptable and with age, their understanding of it would increase.

We all deal with tantrums, outbursts, meltdowns, kids not listening to you, or sometimes simply ignoring your very existence. At times we all are out of our depths and don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do. Or we just feel like crying.. I know I do.

I would like to share something which I read in ‘No-Drama Discipline’ by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – The Three Questions: Why? What? How?

The authors in the book say Before you respond to misbehavior, take a moment to ask yourself three simple questions:

• Why did my child act this way?
• What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
• How can I best teach this lesson?“

The first question simply means understanding your child, his behavior, and from where it is coming from. Maybe he shouted or hit you cause he is hungry or thirsty or simply wanted your attention. My little guy starts crying uncontrollably if it's past his nap time. If you understand the reason behind your kid’s behavior then you can settle the issue accordingly. At this moment we even need to decide what do I need to teach my kid, my lesson, my goal as a parent. And at last, how do I want to achieve it.

As parents we need to have a few golden rules to adhere to:

• Understand Your Children - We should know our kids, have an understanding about their behavior, why are they acting out? What's troubling them? What I am saying is all kids have some triggers, what are your child’s? That way you would be able to prevent many misbehaviors.
• Set Examples – Therapists call it ‘the show and tell method.’ I find it very effective. If something is not going the way I want to or I am upset I start deep breathing. My champ too has started the same. If he is upset he tries to deep breathe and count till ten. If we yell in an unpleasant situation they too are going to do the same and if we are calm and composed they too are going to imitate us.
• Limit (Rules) & Consequences – Right from the start set limits have some family rules and start teaching them about the consequences. Kids test our patience and their limits. They should know a certain set of behavior would result in a certain way. If your pre-schooler hasn’t put away his toys before bedtime then he should know his favorite toy would be taken away for a day. But it should not be dictated to them but taught to them gradually about the repercussions.
• Choose your Battles – Ladies choose your battles wisely. If you don’t then your home is going to be a battle zone throughout. You as a mother should know what issues or behavior need to be addressed and what you need to ignore. You can't fight with your kids all day long.
• Catch them Being Good – If we are addressing not so good behavior then why don’t we address the good behavior. If they show patience in a certain situation or simply brush their teeth at night without your asking them or when they try to help you, tell them how much it is appreciated, how good they are, and how blessed we are to have such wonderful kids.

At our house, we have started having a good jar and not so good jar. Every time my little one is good we add a coin to it and in not so good we add a stone and counting it at night is a family ritual. And the coins of the good jar go to an orphanage or adult home and we add an equal amount to it. This way we are teaching him not only about being good but also that by being good he can help out someone in need.

• Communicate (Listen) – Mothers please talk to your kids, communicate with them and most importantly listen to them. Just don’t keep on telling them what you want or expect but ask them, ”You shouted right now? You did it to get my attention? But was it the right thing to do?”

What you are doing is instead of dictating or demanding you are connecting to them, communicating with them, letting them know we are there irrespective of what they do and we care. That way you are even guiding them in the right direction. They know they are being listened to and we homo sapiens do understand the need to being listened to.

• NO – A well behaved kid understands the word NO. When a parent says no they mean business. Moreover, we all want to lavish our kids with everything and we don’t want to stop them but indulge their every whim and fancy. The question we need to ask here as a parent is, ’Are we doing them any good?’
• Affection – Show them they are loved. Shower them with affection. Tell them ‘I love you’ now and then. Hug them, cuddle them, give them pecks and kisses or just tickle them. What I am saying is love love love.

Dr. Dan Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson sum it up beautifully in NO DRAMA DISCIPLINE,”…kids need us to set boundaries and communicate our expectations. But the key is that all discipline should begin by nurturing our children and attuning to their internal world, allowing them to know that they are seen, heard, and loved by their parents – even when they have done something wrong.”

In a nutshell, the kids who are listened to, whose parents set the best examples for them, who are loved, who feel safe are the ones who are going to have more balanced behavior, are going to be more disciplined, show more patience, and hence good human beings. And remember my dear mommies it is not gonna happen in a day or two - it’s a slow process and at times not so rewarding but yeah in your heart you know you are doing what is best for your kids. So smile and keep up the great work.

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