How to Understand Your Child?
Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.
Maria Montessori, the Italian physician, and educator once said, ’Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of greater possibilities of future… the child has a mind able to absorb knowledge. He has the power to teach himself.’
This is something where we all feel a bit lost at times; understanding our child. As a parent, it is our most important task to understand our children, to love them, to make them feel secure, to keep them happy, and nurture them to grow into beautiful adults. But what does understanding your kid mean? I asked a few mothers and got some really interesting answers.
Shazia a mother of three boys says, ’Understanding my kid is like appearing for my board exams every day and not knowing what the result will be, sometimes I am right, sometimes I am not. Understanding them means observing them when they are playing, eating, or sleeping and also by watching the way they are talking or replying to you.’
‘Understanding my child for me means to know his likes and dislikes, to know what is in his mind and what he is going to do, to feel his emotions and many more things…’ says Jasmine mother of two kids.
Understanding little people is a challenge indeed. Ask parents how they at times struggle to understand what is going on in their kid’s minds, how at times we wish for that one superpower as mommies to be able to get into our kid's brains and to understand them.
Every kid is unique - they have different personality traits and it is our responsibility as a parent to understand what makes our child special, what kind of personality they have, what they like, what makes him/her happy, how they interact with the world and how this all develops along with their age. Understanding kids is like unfolding one miracle at a time. Understanding a child means understanding the psychology of that child (this is the conscious and subconscious child development).
The biggest question is, How do we do that? It is easy and difficult both; easy cause we are living with them hence getting more time to observe them and difficult cause understanding someone’s psyche - let alone that of a child - is difficult.
The key to understanding your kid starts with observation. Start observing your kids right from infancy. Like I remember my nephew when just a few months old used to scrunch his face most peculiarly right before peeing. Try to see how your kids behave, act with others, and try to understand their body language. What are the tell signs? Does he go rigid before doing something he is not supposed to or how does he try to gain your attention. Or maybe he sulks in a particular corner if he is not listened to.
How often do you listen to your kids? Do you listen when they tell you about what happened when they were playing in the park or you just hear while typing on your cellphone? I read somewhere, ’When your child is talking turn the world off.’ I couldn't have agreed more we need to give our kids our undivided attention especially when they are talking. How else would we get to know them?
Always remember mommies, ’Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.’ - Jane Nelson
Remember our communication skills classes in which we were taught communication is a two-way process. If we don’t listen to our kids how can we expect them to listen to us? What message are we conveying as role models? The second step to understanding our kids is listening. It would help you to get to know them and build a strong bond with them. Remember that quiver in their voice when they are trying to tell how their BFF didn’t sit with them but with another kid, how disappointed they are, or that pride when they made it on the swimming team. Mommies you can only understand all this when you are actively listening, and not only hearing your kids.
Please do remember what Walter Barbee once said, ”If you’ve told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.” (…Don't think I even need to elaborate on that)
How do we listen to our kids? Simple! By giving them your undivided attention. If your kid is talking to you, go to his level or pick her up and let him/her know that nothing else matters. The world can wait. ‘ Kiddo! You have my undivided attention.’ Kids feel heard, wanted, loved when you give them your undivided attention. And mommies do keep in mind at times our kids' act out just to get our attention, it doesn’t matter if it is negative.
Another important ingredient in understanding our kids is talking. How else are we going to communicate with them? Talk to them, make eye contact, observe their facial expressions. Make them feel they can talk about anything in this world with you and in today’s world, it is very much needed. Remember, you are laying the groundwork for the relationship you are going to have with your children throughout their lives. By talking to them, you are telling them they matter and that their opinions matter. Mommies always take into account your kid's feelings, don’t start preaching to them straight away, practice patience, and most importantly try to look at the world with your child’s eyes.
Acceptance!! Do you remember any point in time in your life the need to feel accepted? And how did it make you feel? That’s how your kid is going to feel if you don’t accept them the way they are. Every kid is unique and it's our job as parents to nurture that special trait in our kid by acknowledging it and accepting it. Kids should never feel the pressure that they need to change who they are or feel that they are not accepted. They are here to be themselves and not to fulfill our expectations.
Affection is my favorite thing about being a mommy. And it is such a stress buster as well. Studies show that when we show affection to our kids it helps them to have self-confidence, they are happier and it even helps them to be better individuals. Affection can be of various types not just cuddling or hugging. When we dance or sing with them, that too, is a form of affection, laughing with them, doing stuff with them, telling them I LOVE YOU, these are all some form of affection.
Further, a study from UCLA (2013) found that unconditional love and affection from a parent can make children emotionally happier and less anxious.
So mommies understanding your kid could be simple if we just know what we are doing and where to look. And you all are doing a super job. Let’s sum it up with this quote by Aarthi Kannan, ”Understand that your baby can only resemble your psychic, but it doesn’t share the same story as yours….”
WRITTEN BY:
Bosky Singh is Mom to one boy aged 4. She is a regular columnist for Moms on Maternity.